Hey y’all. It’s been awhile because life has been beyond crazy here lately. Hence why I’ve decided to write about how I feel guilty sometimes and how I’m trying to deal with it in case any of you feel this way from time to time. If not, don’t mind the crazy lady 😉
Guilt by definition means a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.
Take today for example. I woke up early to a text. Tried to get back to sleep but I’m never that lucky. Got up, made a cup of creamer. I mean coffee. I turned on the news and eventually heard Jaxon moving around his bed. I finally go to grab him and see that he had an accident. I immediately feel guilty that I didn’t go grab him earlier. (Both our kids around this age always stay in their beds until one of us goes to get them. Weird but also amazing not to have the creepy in your face wake up.) Throw said sheets and jammers in laundry, get him into the shower and get him dressed while once again explaining that big boys don’t go potty in their beds. Olivia wakes up during all of this commotion so I send her downstairs. Then I start to feel guilty for being a little too harsh with Jaxon since he rarely has accidents. I also had guilt over not giving Liv a hug and shuffling her away. It’s just going to be one of those days I can already tell. As I’m getting the kiddos set up with breakfast, Olivia is getting pumped that today is the 100th day of school for her. So, I switch my focus to her now so she can get ready to look like she’s 100 years old. But, the silver hairspray that I ordered a week prior was delayed. Cue mini meltdown from Liv bc she only wants grey hairspray. I grab baby powder to dump it in her hair and make it white. Another problem solved. On to making lunch, grabbing Jax’s share toy and getting myself dressed. We drive JJ to school. Oh crud, we’re signed up for snack day. So, we drop JJ in his classroom and I hustle to drive and drop Liv at her school. I then drive to closest grocery store to pick up a treat and drive back to Jax’s school. I rush home because I only have Wednesday and Thursday mornings to myself to workout and run errands. I have about 20 minutes to complete a workout so do a quick HIIT session. But then I feel guilty because Olivia wants me to decorate house for Valentine’s Day even though her birthday was just the day prior. So, I get the ladder out to grab the spring decorations tote down from the garage ceiling. I do some quick decor for the Hallmark holiday and then I feel guilty that the dog isn’t outside in the few hours we have without rain so I take him for a quick walk. I start to feel bad about not getting in a great workout but override that feeling as I need to run to Costco to grab a couple things. On the way I call the church we are joining and feel guilty as we are missing our introduction to the congregation with Chris’ TDY. The Pastors are going to have to have a meeting to see about when they can fit us into the schedule next to introduce us to the rest of the members. I rush home to put food into the refrigerator and then back to Jax’s school to pick him up as his two and a half hours are up. We go home for lunch and then out the door to speech. We’re only home for less than an hour before we have to go get Liv so I put Jax’s clean sheets back on his bed while he has some quiet play time. We walk to pick up Olivia and once home, put her school stuff away, talk about her day and get her some much needed calories. By dinner time, the kids have had some play time and completed a “homework assignment”. I heat up some leftovers for me and get the kids something easy. I feel guilty about not making anything too fancy but it’s just the three of us. Oh good, the silver hairspray is delivered now. We watch the Gruffalo and a Pete the Cat episode on TV and snuggle because I will feel guilty if I don’t get snuggles in with them as they pile on me (including Gunner). Up for showers, 10 minutes of iPad time, book reading, teeth brushing and bed. Jaxon squeezed out about half of my shampoo and body soap so I might have raised my voice a bit here too. Again with the guilt and why can’t I have more patience.
The kids are down but not yet asleep. I’m exhausted. And it’s just crazy. I still feel guilty about forgetting Jax’s snacks, getting upset with kids and not getting to talk to my hubs much today. I feel like I’m not giving the kids my best self even though I’m trying my best. I feel like I need to look for jobs to help provide even though we’re doing just fine. I feel like I should volunteer at kids’ school more. I feel like I need to get outside and exercise as that usually helps me feel like myself. I feel like I need a girl’s night, date night and vacation. I feel like I need my Mom. I feel like I need to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, in-law, friend etc. It’s just a lot on some days (especially when Chris is TDY and so busy we don’t get good chats in).
And it’s funny. I am obviously an overthinker. I used to work in what I would consider high stress environments doing Human Resources and Relocation at various companies. I had a few months before we moved from ABQ to GA that I was both a working woman and a mother. But with the kids getting older it seems there’s more to do than ever. My stress and guilt may vary from others but I’m trying to own it. We have a lot going on. Chris listens to me even though his stress can literally be life or death situations (whether it’s active listening is another discussion 😉 ).
So this year, I decided to set a few goals which isn’t something I normally do. I’m trying to sit down with the kids (mostly Jaxon as he’s still home with me more often than not as he’s only four) and really force home/school work time daily. With Olivia it’s helping her learn to read and just picking whatever she’s interested in to read to/with me. With Jaxon it’s improving letter recognition and helping his mouth/tongue make the correct speech sounds he’s a tad lazy with.
But I’m also making small monthly goals. In January, I decided to do “dry January”; however that only lasted 10 days because see above feelings. But in all seriousness, that was all I needed and I actually did not feel guilty about breaking that goal. 🙂 December was just a bit heavy in birthdays, celebrations, TDYs, ear drop giving, Christmas planning, travel to Iowa, the “lice gate”, etc that I just needed a reset.
In February, I’m doing frugal February and trying not to buy anything unnecessary (aka, no clothes, no coffee shops, no extra pantry items, limited “fun” expenses etc); however, with Chris missing half the month, I’m trying not to feel guilty if I’m not quite as diligent as I could be about this. Hello Chick Fil A. But I also am doing 20 push-ups a day. I do this every now and again as I’m more of a jogger but it’s an easy way to feel stronger and accomplished. I’m just trying to set small goals that I can hit.
Thankfully, when I get in one of these funks, I just need to look to my kids. They are happy and healthy. Both of them have told me what fun days they’ve had today and how much they love me. Matter of fact, Jaxon just went to the potty and shouted that he loved me as he was going. Both good things at this point. They don’t notice these little things so I’m going to try not to as well. Jaxon thought it was cool to see me in the middle of his circle time when I brought his snacks. Olivia loves to help me and wants to be just like me when she gets bigger (apparently while living at my folks’ house and having them wait on her – atta girl).
We’re going to finish the month with Daddy coming home and potentially a small trip so the four of us can just have fun and get away from it all. But do we bring Gunner or do I feel get to feel guilty about leaving him at home? Or should we finish our flooring instead? The cycle begins again in the life of a Mom with guilt…
Have a good one folks!